I'm just one of those genetically obese people. I will have to work my ass off to be slim and fit.
It had been 222 days since everyone last played the Wii Fit. I gained 16 pounds. What the fuck. I mean, what the fuck am I doing? I know I was getting larger; clothes I was excited to wear again were getting too tight. It's my binge eating. I ate too much candy around Halloween. I ate whole boxes of crackers or cookies. I ate enough for 2 or 3 meals in one setting. What can I do to stop?
Why am I not naturally petite and slim? I am sorry to those who may be offended, but how is being too skinny the same? It's fucking easy to gain weight - eat more! How is that as difficult and painful as exercising and starving yourself? Yes, starving! I've tried eating less than 1500 calories per day, and I will get hypoglycemic, headache, crabby, nauseous, shaky, unfocused and faint. How can I exercise and survive on a low calorie diet? How can I burn more than I consume when I have to work 10-hour days and raise a family? Where are my answers?
So obviously I'm feeling negative and in a rut. It has been 32 days since I joined the gym, and have worked out a minimum of 45 minutes 15 times. Also, because of my workouts, I have had less time to overeat and/or sit on my ass. I have been more conscious if I do eat out; choosing grilled chicken over processed beef, vegetables over potatoes, small portions instead of large. Have I lost weight since I joined the gym? That's a big fat no. It can't be the stupid muscle mass thing because I'm not lifting weights that much.
That being said, I am still tobacco free! Woo hoo.
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Monday, November 18, 2013
Back on the Bandwagon
Monday, November 18th
So I bought a pack of cigarettes Labor Day weekend after spending the weekend at my Dad's with my two-year-old. A 3.5 hour drive one way, plus we went to Duluth one day. I was pretty stressed out by Sunday afternoon. My fall off the bandwagon continued until mid-October. I am now going on 3 weeks (I think; I am trying to remember the day of my last smoke, I didn't mark it down any where). Of course, it feels like more than a month, but I spent this past weekend at my Dad's again, but I did NOT end up smoking! There were even 2 smokers also visiting my Dad, and I did not get a craving. I saw a pack of cigarettes and smelled it, and did not want it. Yay!!!!
I also joined a gym 10/22/13. So almost being a month, and making it there multiple times per week, I thought I would step on the scale today. Nada. Nothing lost. Sad face. But, I am positive! I am not smoking. I am not sleeping all day. I am exercising. I ate well today! I just finished chicken and mixed vegetables for supper. I can do this!!!! Hmmmm....have I posted my weight on here before? Well, I will now. 109kg. My goal? 66kg. The difference? About 95 pounds. My gym has 2 pictures of 2 men who are in the "Century Club" for losing over 100 pounds. I kind of what to be the first woman in this club. Not sure I could be that light-weight, especially since I enjoy having some muscle.
That's where I am at. Not smoking, working out. TRYING to eat clean. Trying. :) Hey, other people survive on healthy food, why can't I? Actually, that brings me to a topic I have been thinking about lately.
So there is an obesity problem in the United States, and I have a theory to why. Cheap food is horrible for you! The food poor people can afford is junk! Organic costs more. Eating fresh costs more. What a stupid system. End rant.
Time to spend time with my little girl.
So I bought a pack of cigarettes Labor Day weekend after spending the weekend at my Dad's with my two-year-old. A 3.5 hour drive one way, plus we went to Duluth one day. I was pretty stressed out by Sunday afternoon. My fall off the bandwagon continued until mid-October. I am now going on 3 weeks (I think; I am trying to remember the day of my last smoke, I didn't mark it down any where). Of course, it feels like more than a month, but I spent this past weekend at my Dad's again, but I did NOT end up smoking! There were even 2 smokers also visiting my Dad, and I did not get a craving. I saw a pack of cigarettes and smelled it, and did not want it. Yay!!!!
I also joined a gym 10/22/13. So almost being a month, and making it there multiple times per week, I thought I would step on the scale today. Nada. Nothing lost. Sad face. But, I am positive! I am not smoking. I am not sleeping all day. I am exercising. I ate well today! I just finished chicken and mixed vegetables for supper. I can do this!!!! Hmmmm....have I posted my weight on here before? Well, I will now. 109kg. My goal? 66kg. The difference? About 95 pounds. My gym has 2 pictures of 2 men who are in the "Century Club" for losing over 100 pounds. I kind of what to be the first woman in this club. Not sure I could be that light-weight, especially since I enjoy having some muscle.
That's where I am at. Not smoking, working out. TRYING to eat clean. Trying. :) Hey, other people survive on healthy food, why can't I? Actually, that brings me to a topic I have been thinking about lately.
So there is an obesity problem in the United States, and I have a theory to why. Cheap food is horrible for you! The food poor people can afford is junk! Organic costs more. Eating fresh costs more. What a stupid system. End rant.
Time to spend time with my little girl.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
One Month Tobacco Free!
Exactly one month ago today, I smoked my last cigarette. A month! I quit smoking a month ago! Holy hell. Honestly, I actually quit smoking. For the last 6 months, I have really wanted to quit and tried multiple times. I would go a week here and there, but by the end of the work week, or the beginning of a hellish one, I would break and buy a pack of cigarettes. But I made it 4+ weeks in a row! Amazing. No smoking cessation products used, either. Just plain willpower and internet venting. Seriously, this blog did help. For one, keeping a hand-written journal sucks when you can type. Typing is faster and less painful. I wrote a paragraph the other day and my hand cramped. Secondly, I was partially a closet smoker, so talking to people I know (or asking for their support) is kind of pointless when half of them never knew I smoked. (I still think they don't need to know). So, thank you blog. Typing my trial has helped immensely.
I noticed the prices of cigarettes the other day while waiting in line at a gas station. I figure I would buy a pack approximately every 3 days. So I estimate my savings to be $80 per month. I just saved $80. Can I eat less now? I wish binge eating was as black and white as smoking; you either do or you don't. I can tell myself "I do not binge eat" every minute, but still think I do. How can I "quit" something that is necessary in moderation to survive?
Today I didn't work. I had 4 nutter butter cookies, handful of mini-oreos, and a small bag of mini-chocolate chip cookies for breakfast. I tell myself it was better than me eating an entire box of cereal. For lunch, I had a peach, apple, 1 slice of provolone cheese, 1 string cheese, and 1 cup of Cheezits. Then I had 8 mini-candy bars. The really little mini ones. I felt 7 months pregnant after that, so I did some crunches and squats. Sometimes I wonder if I would feel better if I just slept all day. Less caloric intake, right?
What is going on with me? Where is my active, energetic, happy self? What can I do to get myself going and stay going for the rest of my life?
Right now, my gut actually is so swollen, I can cradle it like a pregnant belly. I just hate being a woman sometimes. Fupas and whatever. Eh, now I'm just a negative complainer. But I quit smoking!!! No more tobacco smells! No more burning money! No more cancer-that-could-be-prevented risk! Woooo. Hoo.
I noticed the prices of cigarettes the other day while waiting in line at a gas station. I figure I would buy a pack approximately every 3 days. So I estimate my savings to be $80 per month. I just saved $80. Can I eat less now? I wish binge eating was as black and white as smoking; you either do or you don't. I can tell myself "I do not binge eat" every minute, but still think I do. How can I "quit" something that is necessary in moderation to survive?
Today I didn't work. I had 4 nutter butter cookies, handful of mini-oreos, and a small bag of mini-chocolate chip cookies for breakfast. I tell myself it was better than me eating an entire box of cereal. For lunch, I had a peach, apple, 1 slice of provolone cheese, 1 string cheese, and 1 cup of Cheezits. Then I had 8 mini-candy bars. The really little mini ones. I felt 7 months pregnant after that, so I did some crunches and squats. Sometimes I wonder if I would feel better if I just slept all day. Less caloric intake, right?
What is going on with me? Where is my active, energetic, happy self? What can I do to get myself going and stay going for the rest of my life?
Right now, my gut actually is so swollen, I can cradle it like a pregnant belly. I just hate being a woman sometimes. Fupas and whatever. Eh, now I'm just a negative complainer. But I quit smoking!!! No more tobacco smells! No more burning money! No more cancer-that-could-be-prevented risk! Woooo. Hoo.
Sunday, August 4, 2013
3 Weeks and Counting!
Well, it has been exactly 22 days since my last wonderful smoke. I survived a weekend trip with 3 children to visit my dad. Only a 3 hour drive. Spent most of today with a headache. Holy moly. I would love to go outside for a quiet, solitary walk. I used to do just that when I wanted a cigarette. Now, I don't have an excuse to go by myself.
I have absolutely nothing else on my mind. It is nice to have this blog for my record; yesterday I thought it had already been 4 weeks since I quit. Things like this seem to take too long. Ha. Just like weight loss.
I'm fucking tired. Exhausted. When my little girl was 3 months old, I accepted the lack of sleep might last the next 2 years. She turned two 3 months ago. What the hell. I love her more than life itself, and she is also going through an all-Mama-or-nothing phase, but I need her to fall asleep by 9pm and sleep until 6:45am. Just once. Now that the crib is no more, I can't stop her from getting out of bed, opening her door, and screaming all the way down the hall or to my side of the bed. I have actually slept with her in a twin bed, my own bed and a full bed just in the last week. 4 of the last 7 nights, she slept with me all night. 6 of the last 7 nights, I had to rock her to sleep. Only one night did she stay asleep once I laid her into her own bed, by herself. Every morning she wakes up and ends up sleeping the last 1 or 2 hours with me, until my alarm goes off. I am willing to pay someone very good money to abduct me for a minimum of 3 nights so I can catch up on rest. Very good money. All the money I have saved from not buying cigarettes for 3 weeks. Hmmm, now I must do the math.
I have probably saved myself $55 in the last 3 weeks. Now, imagine if I ate super duper healthy and didn't spend any money on fast food! How much money could I save???
I have absolutely nothing else on my mind. It is nice to have this blog for my record; yesterday I thought it had already been 4 weeks since I quit. Things like this seem to take too long. Ha. Just like weight loss.
I'm fucking tired. Exhausted. When my little girl was 3 months old, I accepted the lack of sleep might last the next 2 years. She turned two 3 months ago. What the hell. I love her more than life itself, and she is also going through an all-Mama-or-nothing phase, but I need her to fall asleep by 9pm and sleep until 6:45am. Just once. Now that the crib is no more, I can't stop her from getting out of bed, opening her door, and screaming all the way down the hall or to my side of the bed. I have actually slept with her in a twin bed, my own bed and a full bed just in the last week. 4 of the last 7 nights, she slept with me all night. 6 of the last 7 nights, I had to rock her to sleep. Only one night did she stay asleep once I laid her into her own bed, by herself. Every morning she wakes up and ends up sleeping the last 1 or 2 hours with me, until my alarm goes off. I am willing to pay someone very good money to abduct me for a minimum of 3 nights so I can catch up on rest. Very good money. All the money I have saved from not buying cigarettes for 3 weeks. Hmmm, now I must do the math.
I have probably saved myself $55 in the last 3 weeks. Now, imagine if I ate super duper healthy and didn't spend any money on fast food! How much money could I save???
Monday, July 29, 2013
Binge eating sucks.
That's all I got. So I finally weighed myself. Now I'm really depressed and disgusted. I weigh 108kg. No one should weigh 108kg. Dammit. I wish I could control my eating. And not feel sick or crappy.
However, it has been 16 days without a cigarette!
However, it has been 16 days without a cigarette!
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Day 12: Chicken Cordon Blue
Today is Thursday, July 25th. My last cigarette was on Saturday, July 13th at 5:15pm. Whew! Been thinking about smoking every day, which sucks, I thought by now it would be out of my mind. Actually, I wish it could be out of my mind but I know that I could spend every day for the rest of my life thinking about smoking. So, WOO HOO! I haven't worked since last Wednesday (took a much needed stay-cation to clean/purge my storage room & basement). Back to work tomorrow and Saturday. I can do it. I can do it. I think I can.
Exercise, eating healthy. Not really much of a winner in those categories in the last 12 days. During my purging of material things, I went through 3 suitcases full of clothes I have been hanging on to since college. A few items were actually from highschool! Well, I donated most of it. I did keep my blue Express pants and blue sweater, size 8 & Medium respectively. This outfit was part of my most memorable, favorite Halloween costume: Chicken Cordon Blue. I wore all blue with a rubber chicken tied to a bungee cord around my waist as a belt. That is the kind of person I am. Hopefully I can relive my glory days on a Halloween in the near future!
Now I realistically know Halloween 2013 is not an option. Unless I was kidnapped and forced into a boot camp weight loss liposuction starvation clinic. Do those exist??? Could I voluntarily enlist for an 8 week program? So craziness aside, let us think positively. Tomorrow I work 8 to 6pm. I can have a whole grain waffle for breakfast, a yogurt mid-morning at work, a frozen meal for lunch, and whatever my husband makes for supper. Drink water all day long. If needed, consume a handful of almonds and fresh fruit in the afternoon. Maybe fit in a 20 minute high intensity interval training (HIIT) workout after work. If only I could do this for 90 days in a row...I think I would start doing it out of routine. Add in my tobacco sobriety, and I'm bound to be a sexy mama with long,wavy blonde hair in no time!
Bah Humbug.
Thus ends day 12. Day 13 will hopefully be Day 1 for turning my health around. Hey, if I ever fit back into my blue outfit AND look good wearing it, I'll post a picture!
Sue, too negative to weigh.
Exercise, eating healthy. Not really much of a winner in those categories in the last 12 days. During my purging of material things, I went through 3 suitcases full of clothes I have been hanging on to since college. A few items were actually from highschool! Well, I donated most of it. I did keep my blue Express pants and blue sweater, size 8 & Medium respectively. This outfit was part of my most memorable, favorite Halloween costume: Chicken Cordon Blue. I wore all blue with a rubber chicken tied to a bungee cord around my waist as a belt. That is the kind of person I am. Hopefully I can relive my glory days on a Halloween in the near future!
Now I realistically know Halloween 2013 is not an option. Unless I was kidnapped and forced into a boot camp weight loss liposuction starvation clinic. Do those exist??? Could I voluntarily enlist for an 8 week program? So craziness aside, let us think positively. Tomorrow I work 8 to 6pm. I can have a whole grain waffle for breakfast, a yogurt mid-morning at work, a frozen meal for lunch, and whatever my husband makes for supper. Drink water all day long. If needed, consume a handful of almonds and fresh fruit in the afternoon. Maybe fit in a 20 minute high intensity interval training (HIIT) workout after work. If only I could do this for 90 days in a row...I think I would start doing it out of routine. Add in my tobacco sobriety, and I'm bound to be a sexy mama with long,wavy blonde hair in no time!
Bah Humbug.
Thus ends day 12. Day 13 will hopefully be Day 1 for turning my health around. Hey, if I ever fit back into my blue outfit AND look good wearing it, I'll post a picture!
Sue, too negative to weigh.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Saturday night
Walked/jogged 2+ miles and lifted weights the last 2 days! Even ate pretty healthy today. Whole grain blueberry waffle for breakfast, 1 cup of International Delight iced light mocha, Subway club for lunch, yogurt, Brussels sprouts & 1/2 cup cheesy rice for supper. Now having some homegrown popcorn for a snack.
I bought a pack of cigarettes 6 days ago. I smoked the last one tonight. I bought the cheapest they had; my husband says they probably give you cancer faster. So here is to being smoke-free again! It's been 3 hours.
I haven't stepped on the scale since I started blogging again for 2 reasons. I know I don't weigh any less than the number I have in my head. I also feel like a morbidly obese person. Why the hell would I step on the scale?
Why couldn't I have been genetically slender? Why do I eat and eat? Why do I enjoy eating chocolate and sweets so much? Why don't I get physically ill if I eat too much (so then I would be hindered from binge eating)? Why can't I just be a long-endurance runner? Why doesn't my body have super awesome fast metabolism? Why do I have cellulite and varicose veins?
I'm sure there are some relevant and true answers to these questions. But I just felt a little whyny.
Alright. Back to life.
I bought a pack of cigarettes 6 days ago. I smoked the last one tonight. I bought the cheapest they had; my husband says they probably give you cancer faster. So here is to being smoke-free again! It's been 3 hours.
I haven't stepped on the scale since I started blogging again for 2 reasons. I know I don't weigh any less than the number I have in my head. I also feel like a morbidly obese person. Why the hell would I step on the scale?
Why couldn't I have been genetically slender? Why do I eat and eat? Why do I enjoy eating chocolate and sweets so much? Why don't I get physically ill if I eat too much (so then I would be hindered from binge eating)? Why can't I just be a long-endurance runner? Why doesn't my body have super awesome fast metabolism? Why do I have cellulite and varicose veins?
I'm sure there are some relevant and true answers to these questions. But I just felt a little whyny.
Alright. Back to life.
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