I Found my Blog!

So, it has been 2 years!  But holy moly, I am back.  With the same issues.  My baby girl is now 2 years old, I am still fat and trying to quit smoking.

It has been 48 hours since my last cigarette.  I was smoking approximately 2 packs/week, sometimes a pack every 3 days.  My triggers are everything.  Driving long distances, working, doing chores, dealing with crabby kids, waking up in the morning.  I try to hide my habit from everyone; except my husband and a couple of friends/coworkers.  I am ASHAMED I smoke for the most part.  I had Hodgkin's Lymphoma 8 years ago (unrelated to smoking) and have smoked on and off since I was 13.  Quit countless times, always smoking socially while drinking alcohol.  So being a cancer survivor and a healthcare professional, yes, I am ashamed of myself.  But I find myself confused - I want to quit, but I still want a cigarette.  I don't want to smell like smoke, but I still want that 7 minute break.

I'm fat. It's true!  I'm 5'8" at 230 equals a BMI of 35.  Holy shit.  I'm obese.  I think I have always been overweight, actually, I remember thinking to myself that I would never let myself get over 200 pounds. But I've been there for at least 4 years.  I have failed myself.  Although, looking at my posts 2 years ago, I have lost 12 pounds!  I know I was down to 220 not too long ago, but now this last 3 months I've really been a piece of shit.  Binge eating, being lazy, eating fast food, not eating vegetables.  I have cut down on diet pop; stopped buying it for home and work.  I was drinking a 20oz bottle of diet Dew a day, plus a couple cans of diet cola.  Now I opt for my water bottle; refilling it 2 or 3 times day while at work, plus once or twice at home in the evening.  I haven't stepped on the scale in a couple weeks, but I know I haven't been eating well or exercising so what's the point??

Well, that is about it.  I'm going to come back here for my support.  To quit smoking.  Maybe opine on a few peeves now and then.  Report on my ability to exercise or if I feel better.  Adios!

Probably 235.